The volunteer who gets asked to do just one more thing. The mom whose kid wants another story before going to bed. The person in any relationship (significant other, sibling, co-worker) who for whatever reason has the burden of putting forth more effort and ends up doing more than her share.

Most of us have a basic desire and need to be helpful. To be appreciated and liked. This can lead us to say ‘yes’ more often than perhaps is to our benefit. And then we end up spending too much time and/or money on projects that need to be done or would be nice to do, may be interesting and even fun, but leave us wondering why we said ‘yes’ in the first place. Or we give more of our energy or money to someone or to an organization than we’re comfortable with, but often we don’t speak up and right the balance.

Some people fail to follow through on assignments they’ve accepted, don’t complete them in a timely manner or with the anticipated quality. So those who can and do deliver are usually asked to do more. Often people presume on others’ willingness, efficiency and reliability. There’s that saying, “If you want something done, ask the busiest person you know.”

Sometimes the pushing of boundaries in any relationship is so subtle you don’t notice it at first. You think, “I’ve already done/paid for X, so it’s not that big of a deal to also do/buy Y.” When does wanting to help and generosity turn into being taken advantage of or becoming a martyr? When does your well run dry…and who refills it? How do you gracefully say “no,” or “I’ve done enough for now?”

For example, I agreed to help a group with some publicity. Next they asked me to write something another volunteer had agreed to do but didn’t. Then to coordinate a small task. Then several other small things…which finally added up to more than I was willing to do. I had to say no. I felt bad, knowing they needed the help.

The Mayo Clinic says that saying no can reduce stress, here. The Washington Post’s take on why it’s often hard to say no is here. Check out more advice here.

Is there something you want to say no to? Will you?

I don’t mean the Christmas carol or how some rejected American Idol contestants think they can sing when we agree with Simon Cowell that they can’t. I’m talking about audio file quality.

This week I lost a VO job I’d already booked because the client wasn’t happy with the quality of the test audio file I sent. Ouch. He and his client liked my voice and my interpretation of the copy, but the sound of my MP3 didn’t match up to that of the male talent.

Fortunately the sting of that news was alleviated the same day by another client. They said they were so pleased with a PowerPoint narration I’d done that they want me to be the voice for their entire product line! So they didn’t hear problems in any of the 35 files I sent. And I have other clients who accept files without even asking for revisions. Maybe different clients have different technical standards. Maybe the test file was an anomaly (I offered to send another)? Or is my ear not good enough to hear issues if they occur?

The client suggested I get better monitors and recording software…to the tune of around $199/pair for the speakers and several hundred more depending on the software (not to mention the learning curve). Or I might benefit from a new preamp and/or a microphone. Because if there is a problem, it could be any one of these things. Or it could even be how the equipment interacts with my PC. Meaning maybe I’ll need a Mac.

Because I’m not sure there is a global problem, or if there is, which component of my setup is at fault, I don’t know if one change would resolve any issue, and if so, which change I should make.

I do not have patience with the trial and error method of figuring things like this out. I haven’t found an “audio engineering for VO talent” class. I have asked a couple of VO talents I know to create one, so far to no avail. I may have take a general class, though from what I can tell they focus on music/band recording, not voice, and cover equipment and technical topics I don’t need to know about. There are all kinds of tutorials and Wikis/discussion forums on the Web, but most tutorials move too slowly or don’t cover what I want to know, and with Wikis/forums it can be hard to find the answers to the specific questions I have.

So my first step is asking a VO/audio engineer I know to test my system, then have him help decide if I need to buy anything, and if so, help install and make sure I know how to use it.

Who said you have to spend money to make money?

Many full-time employees traverse the same path each day…to their offices and back, Monday to Friday, 9-5. Those who work from home may merely commute from bedroom to computer. Such routines can be either comforting or monotonous.

A Gainfully Unemployed’s week is will o’ the wisp, depending on which way the freelance winds blow. And how much discipline we have to focus on career vs. social events. I’ve started highlighting the success journal I keep so I can see at a glance where my time is going. Because my goal is to have at least 5 outgoing things every day…whether they are auditions, query letters/submissions, etc.

Some weeks, I mostly work at home. Others send me hither and yon. This past week had me traveling to:
–Greektown for a cable TV show shoot
–Humboldt Park for a print looksee
–Lakeview to see The Best Church of God. It’s an all-new each week parody church service where parishioners believe in the literal word of the Bible as set down in the original English. Check it out, here.). I’m doing the weekly Missalette and a weekly promotional piece posted in the church (theater) vestibule.
–Right after that, off to St. Charles after picking up a fellow actress for a small industrial. It took us an hour and a half each way (on the return in pouring rain) to do a two hour shoot at a coffee shop. She was the barista, I was the customer.
–The Loop (for my non-local readers, that means the area of downtown circled by our elevated train, called the “L”) for an hour and a half interview for a part time job.
–On a different day, again to the Loop for a committee meeting.
–Ravenswood for a focus group gathering.

Add in other events including lunches in Lincoln Park and River North, an appointment in Streeterville, an evening in Ukranian Village, dinner with a visiting author friend in Evanston…and you can see that a lot of this week was spent coming and going.

So I had to fit in various projects with upcoming deadlines, including writing and revising the BCOG pieces, a quick VO job, a concert press release, a flier for a committee open house, auditions I wanted to or was asked to submit, a family issue, my next contribution on the English medieval period to a group blog about historical romance (seducedbyhistory.blogspot.com).

Though I chose to make time to work on a non-fiction project, I didn’t add pages to any new fiction manuscripts or revise two that I’ve been meaning to (one for a friend who’s critiquing it and the other for an agent who said she’d look at one of my early medieval romances if I turned it into historical fiction). Or another non-fiction project with a co-author, with whom I’m meeting again soon. Or more self-marketing. I did catch up with several author and other friends…

Do you feel you have control over your schedule? What’s a good balance of work, errands/chores, social activities and personal downtime?

Many sources fuel our troubled economy, from unemployment to the tight credit market. Yet retailers want and need us to shop more. Here’s one reason why I’m shopping less: size frustration.

I just bought a pair of size 0 petite jeans. I realize some women might be thrilled to be bamboozled into thinking they’re thin enough to fit into zilch-sized jeans, but I find the concept a bit patronizing of shoppers’ intelligence. Manufacturers want us to think, “Oooh, I was an 8 last time I bought this kind of jeans, now I’m a 6. How thin am I! I don’t need to work out, I need more clothes!”

The point is that when sizes are so inconsistent, shopping becomes a chore instead of a pleasant, rewarding experience. With this designer I guess I’m now a 0, but with another I could be a 2, 4 or a 6. Or a 25, 26 or 27. Now a few also offer short, regular or long. I don’t care what size I am, I just want clothes to fit so I don’t have to try on so many. Not to mention that given the recession (yes, yes, I know it’s supposedly ending), inventories are down so the store might not have sufficient selection were I in the mood to take 10 pairs into the dressing room. I don’t have the patience or want to take the time to run from store to store.

With my former favorite jeans (Jag) I used know exactly what size I wore. I could try on any pair and they’d fit great. No alterations required (anyone who has had a pair of jeans hemmed knows how much that adds to the cost, especially if you want the “original hem.”) But suddenly I was a size smaller. Now that size doesn’t quite fit, nor does the next size down. The jeans in my closet still fit fine, so it’s not like I’ve gotten skinnier.

(I’m not going to talk about the ridiculous rise issue. If most manufacturers want to target women in their 20s and ignore shoppers over 35, that’s their choice. Low rise on women of a certain age IMO just doesn’t look good. I don’t want to feel or see that little, squishy roll of muffin top. I did buy a pair of GAP’s new 1969 slim jeans, because they were on sale and fit perfectly everywhere else [except the length], but we’ll see if I wear them with anything but a long, heavy sweater. I’ve tried one of the few brands geared toward women who aren’t in their 20s, but the styles, fit, and washes don’t interest me. And the tummy tuck panel doesn’t seem to serve its purpose.)

As to customer service and checkout, I commend Nordstrom and GAP for having helpful salespeople who not only knew their products but went out of their way to bring other jeans I might like and, equally important, do so in a timely fashion. Most other stores I’ve shopped recently haven’t had the staff to enhance the shopping experience and/or have had long checkout lines (and I waited longer than I thought reasonable at the GAP).

And, dear clothing manufacturers, I don’t enjoy shopping online. There are too many sites. All the scrolling and going back and forth makes me dizzy. Just because an item looks good on the tall, tall model doesn’t mean it’ll look good on the average or short woman. I’ve come across enough inaccurate measurement charts that the pleasure of opening the package I’ve waited for is ruined when the item doesn’t fit. A friend orders several sizes of each garment. But even with free returns, it’s too much of a hassle for me to pack the stuff back up, fill out the form and drop it off at UPS or the post office.

I rejeoiced to find a practically perfect pair of jeans at Macy’s…a DKNY petite style that was even on sale. They only had one pair in my size. When I went online to buy another, there wasn’t enough identifying info on the jeans for me to find them among the zillion hits…

How do you find the perfect pair? How can stores/designers make shopping easier?

I remember a line from the opera The Great Gatsby about people coming and going. Gatsby held huge parties at his mansion (I was one of his waitresses in the Lyric Opera production), but wasn’t close to many of his guests. In our lives, we might lose touch with someone we care about; someone we know casually might take on a more meaningful role. We meet someone new we click with, and a new friendship is born. Others come and go.

Recently, several people have returned that I’m glad to have back, including a sorority sister found on Facebook. And a few are becoming more important. For now, or the longer term?

It can be hard to define what brings a person back into your life. Coincidence, timing… or is there a reason, a purpose, some impact one of you will make on the other? For example, I recently saw an author acquaintance at a conference. We chatted for a minute, but for whatever reason didn’t make plans to talk further. Now she’s visiting Chicago and we’re going to have dinner. Maybe we’ll just catch up and have a pleasant evening. Or maybe there’s something she’ll say–even if I’ve heard it before, she might say it in a different way–to make me realize which direction I want to go or help me to view challenges from a better perspective. Maybe there’s a way we can support each other going forward.

Are there people you miss? I miss two. One is a friend from college; we stayed close for many years…way before long distance was cheap and email, texting and Facebook kept people in constant contact. I’m not sure why we lost touch. And I can’t find her online.

The other is a friend I met years ago at a writing conference. We had so much in common we’d even brought the same pair of Ann Taylor pants to wear for the dressiest event. For awhile we talked every week to make sure we were on track with our life and writing goals. She came to visit a couple of times and we saw each other at other conferences. Then she adopted a daughter (and became one of those moms she said she wouldn’t…too busy to talk/keep in touch). She did email to say she’d call–several weeks ago. I’m sure when she does call, we’ll pick up right where we left off.

When one person’s lifestyle changes, the dynamic of the friendship often changes, too. When friends have kids and get caught up in whole new world of mom things. When you or a co-worker gets a different job. How do you maintain what you had, or do you accept that a new phase has begun?

And what about the people you’d rather not have in your life…a boss you don’t get along with, an annoying family member or someone who always seems to call/want something at the most inconvenient times (like the neighbor in the recently released Extract)? Can you gracefully find a way to limit communication or do you have to suck it up and put on a smile?

Then there are the friends you know you’ll have for the rest of your life. For whatever reason, there are people who just get you. Those you can always count on.

Thanks to my friends, just for being.

Do you believe in signs?

When you’re making a major decision–whether to accept a job offer, move in with someone, get involved with a volunteer project–do you rely only mainly on facts or feelings? You might do research and weigh the pros/cons. Rely on an advisory board of friends/family. Listen to your gut or subconscience, if one of them tells you something you can understand. Maybe you pray to whatever power you believe in to send or help you choose the answer. Maybe you look for signs (a guy said he decided to date me instead of someone else because as he was driving and pondering, he saw a truck with my last name on it). Chances are you go with a combination of some or all of the above.

Sometimes the options seem overwhelming and outcomes difficult to predict. Maybe you’re caught between a rock and a hard place, where no path looks promising. Or you fear making a huge mistake that can’t be undone. Then you freeze, and do nothing. You hope the situation will change or resolve on its own, an obvious solution will surface. How do you handle lingering doubts so they don’t get in your way? Have you ever known you were making the wrong decision, but went ahead with it?

Recall Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In the past few months I’ve been struggling with much of the above as it relates to my writing. Should I start yet another new project…if so, which genre, which story to tell? Revise one(s) I have? Finish a non-fiction project? Keep submitting, believing it’s all about ‘right place, right time?’ Believe one of the submissions already out there will lead to representation/a sale and show me the way? Just give up and get a day job?

I’ve sort of been pursuing all of these options, to cover my bases. Yet this approach makes me feel scattered, that I’m losing focus and not getting enough done. I thought the writers’ conference I attended in July would re-inspire me, and/or perhaps I’d meet someone who’d help me move forward (a friend happened to choose a lunch table with an empty seat next to her…and the person who sat there is now her agent. I did talk a lot with a successful author I’ve known for years who offered to critique one of my partials; she sent comments on the first chapter and I’m deciding how to address her suggestions.)

I’ve already spent years working on getting published….insanity or persistence? In some respects taking the path of least resistance can be easier, whether or not that’s really what you want or is your best choice. For me, right now, quitting, doing nothing are easiest. Submitting more isn’t that hard. Revising, starting fresh or finishing projects is much more difficult and time consuming. What to do?

Maybe I just got a sign, in the form of a contest judge’s comments on my latest opus. She wrote, in part, I’d love to see the writer – who is quite gifted with words, grammar, sentence structure, and generally good writing – come up with something fresher that’s never been done. Would love to see this author go totally off the deep end with a high concept story that will bowl over editors and agents. The writer obviously has a LOT of talent. Go deep…take chances…be wild and creative…you never know what will happen!

You have a great knack for the written word…you just need a stronger story…. Keep working at it…you’re almost there. I can sense it for you!

Is this just one published author’s opinion, a red herring, or my new direction? Every aspiring author knows agents/editors want something fresh and high concept. A strong story. Obviously I think mine is all these things (and have received other feedback supporting my opinion), or I wouldn’t have written/entered it. Is receiving this advice at this time the push I need to move forward? If so, how do I ‘go totally off the deep end,’ without pushing the envelope too far?

How do I know?

Most of us of a certain age remember Sally Field saying something like this when she accepted an Academy Award (hard to believe that was back in 1985 for Places in the Heart. And I checked, she didn’t say, “You like me. You really like me,” which I think is what most of us remember.). The point is that despite all of her career successes, she genuinely seemed pleased to be so esteemed.

The title of today’s entry could also be about the song Love the One You’re With (Stephen Stills, 1970, covered by The Isley Brothers in 1971) and the vicissitudes of dating. But I’m talking about the importance of being appreciated. Validated.

I’m very pleased to have a new voiceover client who keeps telling me how happy his client is with my work and how much they love my voice.

Yes, yes, we’ve all heard about true happiness and contentment coming from within. That you have to love yourself before you can love another. How it’s all about living in the moment, enjoying the journey and what you have, not the outcome. That having the biggest house, most money or receiving the highest accolades won’t make you happy. We could spend all day staring at ourselves in the mirror repeating affirmations about how great we are or how much power we have (like Amy Adam’s Rose in Sunshine Cleaning)…maybe that would help.

Who doesn’t like to know they’ve done a great job? Who wouldn’t want to hear the guy they’re dating say they think you’re beautiful or, “No, those pants don’t make you look fat?” Maybe for some it’s enough just to bask in the glow of the verbiage. But if you’re paying attention, a compliment delivered the wrong way can make you look askance at the giver and/or wonder about their sincerity or what they are trying to get you to do. And a vast part of communication is via body language. Many studies/experts say that the meaning of a message comes 7% from the actual words, 38% how they’re spoken and 55% from body language. So in today’s world of e-mail, IM and texting, assessing the true intent and meaning behind nice sentiments typed quickly on a tiny keyboard can be difficult.

The value of a compliment can live on long after the words are spoken. I’m collecting testimonials from satisfied clients to help attract new clients. I’ve heard of authors making lists of great things readers, contest judges or industry professionals have said about their work to refer to in down times or to help get past rejections.

So the next time you think someone has done a good job, if someone means something special to you, take a moment to say so. As they say, pay it forward.

The life of the Gainfully Unemployed is exciting and unnerving at the same time. We never know if or when an audition, submitted resume, or connection we’ve made will pay off with a booking or more auditions, or when projects that we’re suited for will come to our or our agents’ attention. Like an entrepreneur who never knows when a new customer will walk through the door despite great word of mouth, marketing and advertising, we can’t do much to control our flow of work.

And when we book a project, we can’t bask in the glow very long because it’ll provide probably only a day, at most a week of work…and there are 51 other weeks to fill. We can look at all the white space in our calendars and see nary an audition on the horizon. Clingy vines of doubt creep in, distressing and demoralizing. Have my agents forgotten about me? Do I suck? If my last audition didn’t go well, would they tell me? Did so-and-so even get my last email? Maybe I should get a “real” job.

These pernicious thoughts can work their way in so deeply I have to untangle and remove each one. I must keep adding irons to the fire. I must fill my mind with positivity. I believe this dry spell will end, and soon. Just be patient. Everything will work out.

Suddenly the phone starts to ring, emails arrive. And I can’t ever predict the range of things I’ll be called upon to do. There’s an audition for a $5000 “upbeat, cool and sincere” TV voiceover. I’m one of a small group selected to be interviewed by a client for a major project. I book a small role as a nurse in a sci fi independent feature that requires me to scream as a guy on roller blades comes at me with a hockey stick and assist with surgery on a patient who has 5 eyes, while hanging out with fun and talented people for a day and a half. And eating tasty Vietnamese food.

The GU also never can tell what interesting situations they’ll find themselves in. We filmed in a huge (though hot) abandoned hospital, eerie in a “what happened here, did everyone perish instantly of some plague like on Star Trek” way because all sorts of medical equipment and supplies were left behind, and employees even left pictures on their desks.

I learn that a recent client was so pleased with my recordings of a technical PowerPoint they plan to use me for all of their VOs going forward. (Of course I don’t know when/if this will happen or how many projects that means, but who doesn’t like to hear that they’ve done a great job and will probably get more work?)

With all of this good news, the creepers’ vivid green fades, the leaves shrivel into dust as shiny hope and satisfaction bloom in their place.

Whew. Despite also receiving a book rejection, this turned out to be a darn good, busy and productive week.

But what about the next one? And the next, which is Labor Day when not much is likely to happen…

Last night I did a photo shoot. In a cemetery. Wearing not much at all.

This project came about via an artsy friend. First he was interested in having me model for a bust sculpture, which would have required him to slather my chest and perhaps other body parts (like my hands) while I sat still until the plaster dried. But he recently discovered light painting, and decided a cemetery would make the perfect backdrop.

With light painting, the photographer doesn’t use a flash. He uses a flashlight, or other light source, and moves it around during a long exposure. The pattern of illumination creates cool effects. Thanks to digital photography, it’s easy to check out each shot and make adjustments for the next. Wikipedia explains it here.

He’d checked out the site…deep within thevast cemetery…and had taken test shots with a friend. He’d also cut out a bunch of shots/paintings that reflected what he had in mind and pasted them into a little notebook and had emailed ideas. While I reclined, sat or stood as frozen as possible (a challenge during some rather balletic moves), he ran around with the flashlight. He’d direct the beam in different ways to highlight various parts of the frame. Some shots were done with the flashlight hung from a tree with fishing line, with the flashlight swirling in a big circle over my head. For a few shots, he used two flashlights: a cool and a warm one.

Though I’d brought and borrowed interesting, lacy or clingy pieces of clothing, my main wardrobe was a long swath of white tulle. At times I also wore a vintage parachute thing as a skirt. I just wasn’t comfortable wearing nothing at all. And I’m glad you can Photoshop out any extraneous naughty bits that snuck in, and which to my mind distract from the shot.

Why did I do this? A. To show you can still look pretty darn good even in your late 40s. B. To preserve my appearance in a unique way before everything starts sagging. C. Because being a model is fun. D. Because maybe at some point I can show the best pictures to my agents in the hope of getting more print work.

Some of the pictures are amazing. In some the light painting didn’t turn out the way he intended. For example, there’d be too much light on my shoulder and not enough on my face. In others, possibly because I was concentrating so hard on keeping still for 15 seconds at a time (try it right now and see how long that is), my expression is kind of frozen. Despite having watched every episode of America’s Next Top Model, it’s not always easy to smile with your eyes or be fierce as Tyra advises, especially while leaning in an uncomfortable position or extending one leg high in an arabesque.

Though I put on a lot of makeup and dark lipstick (he wanted to border on Goth), the light was so bright it doesn’t look like I’m wearing any. We also used gold powder, which looked great up close but in a few of the shots appears as brownish streaks that will need to be edited out. He’d also brought some corn starch to whiten my skin, but we never got around to trying it.

Now that we know what works and what doesn’t, we may do another shoot. He may do some kind of show, or turn the pics into postcards or something. We shall see.

Even the Gainfully Unemployed deserve and should take some time off from pursuing their various career options. Last weekend I attended a lovely annual event in the burbs: a croquet, aka white, party.

Yes, everyone wears white. Which gives the indoor/outdoor gala a sort of old-fashioned, ethereal atmosphere. Attendees range in age from 2 to over 70. The young children are surprisingly well-behaved (they don’t run around or scream). The teens, most of whom have grown up together, are surprisingly polite and friendly.

The wealth and variety of food is amazing at this potluck gathering, from fabulous lobster salad to fresh fruit. Enough desserts (including delicious turtle brownies) to weigh down the sideboard. Champagne and margaritas flow.

So many people play croquet that each heated game takes around an hour. With so many balls on the field and more than one croquet set in use, it must be hard to keep track of whose turn it is. Cheers and moans fill the air as the competitors make their way around the course, smacking each other’s balls out of play whenever possible.

Because many partygoers return year after year, there’s a Same Time, Next Year sensibility. A neighbor of the hosts’, with whom I’d had a long “writers write” discussion last year, said because of that conversation she’d started sending out some of her short stories. Though she’s gotten rejections so far, she plans to keep writing and submitting. So you never know when a seemingly random conversation can impact someone’s life.

This is also a fairly artsy group. Many guests sing, some professionally. Several years ago, I had the privilege of singing in a Sondheim festival with several of them…including a command performance for Stephen Sondheim himself. Last year, a piece of music was emailed in advance for anyone interested, and we had a short pickup rehearsal before recording A Song of Peace, available on YouTube, here.

So thanks to the hosts for having such a wonderful party at their home, and thanks to the guests for bringing such great food.